The Best Common App Essay You’ll Ever Read


Road sign to education and future

Valerie Wu, Managing Editor

*Disclaimer: This article is satire and should in no way be taken seriously.

I am so well-rounded that even circles are afraid of me.

As someone who’s undergone significant amounts of hardship, I can only say that I have persevered in spite of obstacles, such as my mother not buying me that extra SAT prep book, which is why I have noted in the Additional Information section that I only received a 1590 instead of a 1600. I understand that this will drastically diminish my chances of admission, but I would like to say that my mother claims full responsibility and can provide a letter of recommendation if needed.

In addition, I have too many activities to list, such as speaking to the president of the United States about my work in providing food and necessities to everyone regardless of income levels, which I believe is the true merit; we should look beyond financial differences to create unity and opportunity.

I can also say that I’ve managed to stay humble despite my many achievements, only occasionally mentioning that one international Math Olympiad I won in the seventh grade, or that cure for cancer I stumbled upon while publishing my second novel on my experiences helping underprivileged children in China. My cousins have let me know how grateful they are for teaching them how to survive in what we call the “forest fire,” also known as the smog in Beijing.

Yet I’ve learned how to be brilliant at interactions as well, a product of days spent reading How to Win People Over 101 and The Art of Negotiation: Conflict Resolution in the Classroom. In my conversations with teachers, for example, they are always stunned by how eloquent I am, especially in my elegant supplications for just one more point above the maximum on a test, or providing elaborations on my activities, which can reveal who I am as a person beyond grades and test scores. (At this point, I would like to mention that I study organic chemistry in my free time when I’m not designing life-saving apps or founding yet another nonprofit dedicated to achieving world peace and global justice.)

My mother always told me that you should always push yourself beyond what you think you’re capable of. I’ve changed it a bit to reflect my personality — I like to push myself beyond what everyone else is capable of. My GPA may be the highest in my class, but why only have a 4.0 when it could be a 4.5, or a 5.0? Why not make my GPA as high as the weight of seven apples on a scale at the local supermarket? This is the question I’m sure everyone asks, but only I’ve been able to answer.

It’s a struggle always being the smartest person in the room, and having to resort to “psychological warfare” to make sure that everyone else knows what I’ve accomplished in my life.  I pride myself on my ability to not judge, which I think is so important in a leader. After all, who’s to say that the tragic deaths of Sandra’s family members might make her a more qualified applicant, although she only has a 3.99 GPA and a 35 ACT? I’m here to let you know that my modesty, achievements and likability make my personal identity the most important out of all 40,000 applicants you’ll receive.

And now, I must get back to completing my research paper titled “The Effects of Drosophilia in Altering the LY-Gene in Biophysical Compositions of the NOV-X Enzyme Through Modification of the Panthera tigris genome.” I hope to hear fond news from you this March, but if not, my parents can always donate a library or swimming pool if needed.