Students Utterly Shocked When Their Catholic School Enforces Catholicism


Anna Roth

This is satirical. 

Outrage has recently been pouring from the Twitter and Instagram profiles of many Presentation students as the school’s celebration of Lent continues to take place.

The rage began with required attendance for all students at Ash Wednesday Mass and slowly grew to encompass the massively unjust uniform policy.

In fact, 12:30 days made long by required Mass attendance have always been the source of perceived suffering among students. It is almost as if they missed the “founded by an Irish Catholic group of nuns” segment of freshman orientation. (Note: neither ‘Irish’ nor ‘Catholic’ depict a dazzling vision of secular progressivism)

“Who do they think they are? Forcing me to spend a single hour longer at school and wear a polo shirt? Honestly tell me that this doesn’t sound like prison. This is Prisontation! Call the ACLU! This is certainly cruel and unusual. And for what? To clog my pores with this dirt stuff? As if!” senior Lay Zee said regarding Ash Wednesday Mass.

Additionally, more outrage has arisen with regard to the established dress code. The dress code has been said by many to very loosely enforce modesty and pales in comparison to the dress codes of more typical Catholic policy. 

Despite this, many students are calling for a protest of the rules that specifically prohibit short shorts, leggings, and a dinner napkin that some woman named Trudy calls a prom dress.

“Honestly my prom dress covers everything. So what if my whole back, most of my cleavage, the entire surface area of my stomach, the sides of my buttcheeks, the top of my buttcrack, both of my legs and my hips are showing? You’re telling me that I chose to go to an event and should be expected to follow the rules of the event that I am not at all required to attend?” junior Ura N. Idyot said after her prom dress was not approved by administration.

“Just because Nano Nagle wore that totally unflattering nun outfit doesn’t mean I should too” junior Stuc Kup said after she was told that just pasties and sheer skirt were not suitable attire for prom or for any other event in anyone’s lifetime.

And so the fight against the grossly oppressive rules rages on among the disgruntled and the lazy. So wear those leggings in protest girl, show off that open back. You’re only up against 2,000 years of tradition and an entire religious order. Fight the good fight.