Horrorscopes

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Aries – Don’t even think about going out tonight. Your night will most likely end in disaster, starting with the moment you wake up. Today will be the epitome of bad hair days, so give up on taming it. Your day will end with you stubbing your toe to the point of tears and obviously failing your ever-so-important science test.

Taurus – Monday calls for a horrible surprise. Your beloved pet is found sick in the morning and in dire need for the vet. Tuesday doesn’t look much better as you will be late to all of your classes and forget both your lunch and money. Friday is horrible right off the bat. You wake up thirty minutes late which doesn’t leave you enough time to even brush your teeth, which is extremely unfortunate for you because you had a date right after school. Let’s just say, the date makes a bad hair day look like a godsend.

Gemini – Now, Gemini might be the lucky one because your luck seems to be looking up on Monday. You get to school on time and even participate in class. You take a test on Monday and feel like you aced it. Unfortunately, when you get the test back on Wednesday, your worst fears are realized with a big fat F on the front page. Saturday seems like the day to relax with your friends with the entire day filled with plans. But then you get Ebola. Life is sad for you, Gemini.

Cancer – Despite the terrible name, Cancer has an auspicious week. Your bad luck doesn’t hit until Friday. Friday is the bane of all days. Friday is the day you should’ve taken a “mental health day.” Friday is the day you have that presentation. That presentation that you are probably most nervous for. That presentation that you practice day and night for. And that one presentation where you go up to the front of the classroom and forget everything. There’s not a thing in your mind and nothing you can possibly say. Good luck, sweetheart.

Leo – Leo, you have the gift of the best horrorscope in the world. Things couldn’t possibly be more in your favor. This week you will start a new TV show. But before you start doing a happy dance, think about it for a bit. This show will take over your life. It will destroy you. You will be so emotionally invested, nothing in real life will make sense. Day and night, the show will be on your mind. You promise yourself that you’ll stop after one episode, but all of a sudden, it’s three in the morning and you haven’t even sort of started your homework.

Virgo – On Monday, someone walks in on you in the bathroom. On Tuesday, you think someone breaks into your house and end up almost attacking your dad. On Wednesday, a bird decides that your head looks like the best place to take a dump. Thursday is the day you get a break and you only wake up about ten minutes late, leaving no time to eat breakfast, which is actually bad because you’ll need your energy for the rest of the week. I would tell you, but don’t you think mystery is the true beauty of life?

Libra – For the sign that’s supposed to be the scales, your life is totally out of balance. Libra might have done everything remotely bad luck. Breaking mirrors, walking under ladders, walking past black cats, and don’t even get me started on the millions of cracks you stepped on. My best suggestion would be to lock yourself in your closet with a tub of salt, and hope nothing comes for you.

Scorpio – I really hope you’re sitting down for this one. Your day begins with the worst hair day ever. Pres buns are comfortable and all, but not very good for preventing bad hair days. You get to school after a late night studying and are just going through the motions. Drive to school, grab a bite to eat from Apollo, and then get to your locker. You’ve done this a million times, but you manage to slam your fingers in the door of the locker. Sorry, girly. You’ll bounce back.

Sagittarius – You’ve always been advanced, Sagi, and now it catches up to you–you’re the first in school to catch the flu. Normally, this might be great. An excuse to take a day off, but this is  the worst week ever. Your math test and science tests are this week, you have two club meetings, and an SAT prep class  this Saturday. Good luck controlling your phlegm.

Capricorn – Procrastination is the bane of your existence. You have procrastinated your life away. But this week, everything is going to catch up with you. Your tests, your late assignments, your studying, your sports, your classes. It will feel like everything is crashing down. And what’s worse, next week will be just as hard.

Aquarius – Now there are two different type of people in this world. There are people who do their homework on the day it’s assigned and are completely prepared in life (that’s you), and then there are the procrastinators. There are definite advantages to what you’re doing, but that one day that you have a literal ton of homework to finish, you forget all your books at school. You have no supplies. No one is responding to your texts. Everything is going to be late. And because you wait until the second day to finish all your homework, it’s not like you can wait. Good luck finishing both A day and B day homework.

Pisces – You know that moment when you’re almost asleep, but hear this little noise and are shocked awake? Well, multiply that by four times a night, all week, and never being able to fall back asleep. This week, you’ll believe everything is coming for you. And it is. Your karma catches up with you when your skirt flies up on a windy day. In front of the whole school. You back into another car in the Pres parking lot. And to top it all off, you get stuck babysitting some demon child on your only free Friday in weeks.  

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