Love Horrorscopes

Emma Komar, Opinions Editor

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Aries: Your date will be on their phone the whole time you’re together, and halfway through you’ll realize that they were texting their girlfriend of five months.


Taurus: You will take the best ugly selfie you’ve ever taken over Snapchat. Too bad your crush’s name is directly below your best friend’s, because the crush is the one that will open that romantic double chin.


Gemini: You will spill a huge glass of water all over your date halfway through the meal. It’s still too early to call it a night politely, so you will both try to awkwardly tough it out. Not only that, but some of the water will hit the couple next to you, so you’ll ruin two Valentine’s dates.


Cancer: Your partner will hire a mariachi band to break up with you the day before Valentine’s Day. It’s like they aren’t even trying to sound good.


Leo: You will show up to the restaurant with your date, who punches the receptionist when she can’t find your reservation. Enjoy your romantic meal of stale prison crackers!


Virgo: You will meet up for dinner with a Tinder date, and find out you got catfished. 17-year-old John is actually a 30-year-old man who didn’t even bother to comb his remaining hair and kind of smells like stale couch farts.


Libra: You get set up on a blind date, but have to leave halfway through when he denies both the Holocaust and climate change. Boy, bye.


Scorpio: Your partner will bolt from your date after they find some obscure Pokémon nearby, which apparently is something they’re still into. You’re left to pay the bill.


Sagittarius: You will sleep through your spa appointment and will have to glam yourself up. In your hurry, you will burn yourself with a curling iron and show up to your date with a huge blister on your forehead.


Capricorn: Your date seemed cool when your friend introduced you, but you will get into an hour- long argument over the pronunciation of “gif” over dinner. It’s time to find someone with some standards.


Aquarius: Your date will give you a “Be Mine!” candy heart, but in your excitement you’ll inhale it and have a really unflattering coughing fit…after you force your date to give you the Heimlich.


Pisces: You have the perfect dress picked out for tonight, but you better find a backup! Your sibling will drop chocolate syrup all over it an hour before you go out. At least it kind of landed in the shape of a heart?

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