Class Alternatives: What We Should Be Learning

Mia Habib, Reporter

For as long as many of us can remember, people have complained that school doesn’t teach us we need to know out in the real world. On top of that, many adults complain that millennials simply don’t know how to adult. In fact, Neil Howe’s article, “Millennials Struggle To Pass Life Skills 101,” says that Millennials are less likely than older generations to know how to sew, make basic home repairs, or drive manual-transmission cars.


Fortunately, we’ve totally rethought the entire curriculum to make sure that we leave here prepared for real life. Here are some ideas of classes to change in order to fix this ongoing issue:

Instead of: We should take:
Calculus–why do I need to find limits? The only thing Calculus tests is the limits of my patience. How to file a tax return. What’s a deduction? What’s the AMT? Is that like an ATM but for rich people? We need help.
Geometry. OK, so I concede that knowing basic shapes and angles is important, but you want me to prove that a square is a square? Prove that this will matter some day. How to read an analog clock. Literally, when someone tells me, “Look behind you at 2 o’clock,” I don’t know what to do. And now that wristwatches are back in style, we should probably know how to use them.
American Literature. Aka the grueling journeys of middle-aged white men written by other middle-aged white men How to date someone in person — Because texting someone everyday and sending a flirty emoji every so often is not a great foundation for a healthy relationship.
World History. The point of learning about history is so not to repeat the past, but nowadays that’s looking inevitable anyway. How to read a map. Someday Waze is going to shut down when you’re in the middle of the desert, and you will be super screwed.  
Computer Apps. Typing the letter “M” with my pointer finger ten times in a row is not going to teach you more than that fact that your pointer finger is tired. How to set up an online budget. Our parents always warned us that money didn’t grow on trees, but we’ll never actually realize it until we see how little we have.
Ceramics. What the heck am I gonna do with a giant ceramic Buddha? How to change a tire. Because despite what every movie ever made has taught you, you can’t rely on a burly, oversized man. See the man, be the man, change your own freaking tire.
Theater Productions. Knowing how to put together a set will not teach you how to put together your life. How to do your own laundry. After a while, that “chair” that gets piled with the clothes you don’t want to put away is gonna take up your entire floor. Then what?
Christian Scriptures. Reading about the Prodigal Son won’t mean my parents will accept me when I come back broke. How to read a compass. Because when the zombie apocalypse comes, and we need to figure out where we’re going to escape, we won’t be able to rely on our ability to go from one Starbucks to the next.  
APES. Why do we need to learn about climate change if our president doesn’t believe in it anyway? How to pitch a tent. Learning about what is in our soil won’t matter if you don’t know how to live on it.
AP Bio. Knowing how to identify sexually mature moss is not going to help me find a partner and settle down in life. How to refill your prescriptions and make doctor appointments. Unfortunately, our parents won’t always be here to
Chemistry. Is it really all that important to know that salt is made of sodium and chlorine? All we really need to know is that it belongs on all food. Cooking Class — Bone apple tea? Boney african feet? Bone slap the queef? How are we ever supposed to appreciate food memes if we don’t know how to make anything besides instant ramen?
AP Spanish Lang. Why worry about talking your way through a country when you can just eat your way through it? AP Spanish Cuisine (or maybe Spanish food words so you can sound like a native when your order at a restaurant and then bad words so you can understand what’s going on on Narcos on Netflix.