Being a Pres Student Satires


Student with Sweats Under Skirt Breaks Usain Bolt’s Sprinting Record After Seeing Buell in Hallway

A sprint across a 100 meter stretch of hallway by senior Dasha Lot Wednesday clocked in at just over 8.8 seconds, shattering Usain Bolt’s meager 9.89 second world record. The short sprint was due to a uniform violation Lot was sporting when known frequent uniform code enforcer, religion teacher Eric Buell, exited a room in close proximity to her.

“I knew I was breaking the uniform code and I didn’t even care about getting a U.V.,” Lot said Wednesday. “My sweats were just so comfy that I couldn’t dream of taking them off so I just went for it.”

In reference to her athletic feat, she said, “I’ve never run track or been involved in any sports in my entire life, I mean my hobbies include E Network and cuticle care. I just really didn’t want to have a run-in with Mr. Buell.”

Lot was visited by the women’s Olympic track team and is being recruited by almost all of her top-choice colleges after the 8.8 second run was filmed and uploaded to the internet by one of her friends and the video was confirmed not to have been edited by a third party.

After the impressive triumph, Lot was still given a U.V. from Buell whilst standing in the lunch line. When asked to comment, Buell graciously declined but did promptly give the interviewer a U.V. for a logo on her shirt that was measured to be 2.61 millimeters larger than her fist.

Furtado to Start Charging to Lend Out Extra Polos to Cover Gaps in School Budget 

After a recent all-staff meeting, it was decided that extra revenue is desperately needed in Presentation’s budget and administrators are looking to other means of raising money. One of the most controversial new programs instituted will require a fee of $50 if students need to borrow an extra polo on formal dress days from attendance secretary Catherine Furtado.

Several students have already expressed outrage over the policy change that was introduced largely under the radar. “I’m a naturally forgetful person, I can’t just constantly carry around an extra fifty bucks around with me in the event that I need to borrow a yellowing, itchy, stretched out shirt undoubtedly worn by a member of the class of 1960, I mean the [expletive] shirt isn’t even worth $50!” junior Cheryl Juan said Wednesday.

With an average of 20 formal days a year and eight students in need of a shirt each of those days, the program is projected to generate an extra $8,000 annually. Other budget-growing methods introduced include selling the non-essential bathroom stall locks as scrap metal, and switching from 1-ply toilet paper to ½ ply toilet paper that has a proven width thinner than a human hair.

Mag Drive Top Seller Dead After Stack of 200,900 Magazines Collapses In Her Home 

Senior Anna Wintour was found in her home Saturday under a collapsed pile of magazines that her cat allegedly knocked over. Ms. Wintour was unfortunately pronounced dead on arrival at the hospital. “Cause of death was most likely due to suffocation from the immense stack of Industrial Cranes Monthly found atop her chest,” says Emergency Medicine Practitioner Dr. Uhoh.

The magazines that caused this accident were in her home because of Mag Drive. As the top seller, Wintour took it upon herself to spend her recent inheritance from her grandmother to buy an amount of magazine subscriptions for herself that undoubtedly contributed to deforestation somewhere in the world.

Wintour was determined to win the drive this year, having come in second last year, bringing shame to herself, her homeroom, and her family. “Anna had a full ride to the University of Phoenix for speed walking and her father and I are devastated we’ll never get to watch her stride elegantly at the collegiate level. The one consolation I have is that I was the parent of a Mag Drive top seller, I mean that’s historical, that’s the stuff that makes you have children in the first place, it’s all that matters,” Wintour’s mother said Sunday.

After this tragedy, thoughts and prayers are being sent to the Wintour family from the whole Presentation community. The magazines involved in Wintour’s death will be repurposed in this year’s 2017 Fashion Show fundraiser as centerpieces, table cloths, and drink napkins in her honor.