Newkirk Gets Netflix Psychoanalyzed

Newkirk Gets Netflix Psychoanalyzed

Bacosa Photography

Shelby Tindall, Co-managing Editor

With the Pres plague moving full steam ahead, plowing down even the strongest of our teachers, there’s a good chance that by now you’ve had Todd Newkirk as a substitute teacher. Newkirk recently joined the Presentation family as a substitute teacher and speech and debate coach. Everybody is just getting to know him, but perhaps there’s an easier way to see what’s really going on in the mind of our newbie. Perhaps a browse through the recently watched of Newkirk’s Netflix will reveal all?

The first show that Newkirk has been binge watching is “Arrested Development.” Obviously anyone who watches “Arrested Development,” what IGN calls one of the funniest shows of all time, must be in his right mind. But why else might Newkirk be watching the dysfunctional Bluth family? Perhaps Newkirk is the Michael Bluth of his family, the “straight man” who has no choice but to keep his crazy family members together. Or perhaps he sees the Bluth family members, like the materialistic Lindsay or the obedient, awkward George Michael, in the Pres girls and is looking for inspiration on how to deal with us.

Next on Newkirk’s list was “Buffy the Vampire Slayer,” a classic cult TV show from the 90s. Newkirk, like the rest of us, is probably just nostalgic for the best TV shows of our youth. And if we’re being honest, TV shows from the 90s were the best. But I think we all really know what’s going on here. Newkirk just wants to be a badass vampire slayer like Buffy! Who knows, maybe one day this ordinary teacher will turn out to be from a line of paranormal slayers. Or so he hopes.

An interesting show to pop up on the list was “Black Mirror,”  a groundbreaking TV anthology series that looks at the dark side of life and technology. Each episode takes place in a different reality where technology plays an inherent part of life. Episodes revolve around memory recalling-devices or life where you must cycle to generate power and currency, like in video games. Perhaps “Black Mirror” is helping Newkirk to become self aware of the all-consuming pull technology and social media has begun to generate. Or perhaps the constant black mirror of his screen from watching so much Netflix has already pulled him in?

Another pick on the list was “It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia,” a comedy series that follows “The Gang,” a group of four depraved, egotistic, crazy friends that run a bar together in South Philly. While Newkirk probably isn’t looking for a model in any of the gang, “It’s Always Sunny” shows him a side of life he doesn’t have. Instead of the humdrum, regularity of Pres, perhaps Newkirk dreams of reuniting with his high school friends to run their own business together and get into crazy shenanigans like those in the show. Or maybe he’s just a big Danny DeVito fan. The world may never know.

After a full analysis of Newkirk’s taste in shows, it’s hard to pinpoint where his mind is at. But if he ever starts talking about banana stands or giving your iPad the side eye, don’t worry, you’ll know what it means.