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Pres Helps: How to Do Things

Emma Komar, Managing Editor

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Pres has been abundantly helpful these past few weeks. The step-by-step instructions for how to park my car outweighed any guidance the DMV could have ever given me, and I can’t tell you how grateful I am to finally understand how my email inbox functions. So in the spirit of enlightenment that has saved me during the senior year chaos, I hope this advice can come even close to what Pres has blessed me with.

How to Put Your Skirt on:
1. Preparation. Grasp the waistband of the skirt with your hands opposite each other. Make sure the zipper is undone and the button is not fastened.
2. Put your right leg through the TOP of the skirt. Then, carefully, attempt to balance on this leg while you slip your left leg through the same hole.
3. With a strong grip of the waistband, smoothly pull the skirt up until you reach your waist. Then STOP. DO NOT go beyond your waist!
4. Finally, this is where your choice comes in. If you choose to start with the button, rotate the skirt so that the hole is at your side, slowly slipping the button through the small hole across from it. Then, let go. If you begin with the zipper, carefully pull the pull-tab of the zipper upwards until the tracks are firmly closed together. Then, do the step that you did not begin with.
5. Once the skirt is on, you’ll want to sew an extra foot of fabric onto the bottom so that you don’t tempt anyone with your kneecaps.
6. If you want to learn more about specific zipper terminology to further your knowledge, check out zippersource.com. Remember, this is optional, but may clarify this process.

 

How to Sit in the Rolly Chairs:
1. First, it’s important to remember that you are much bigger and smarter than the chair. It is more afraid of you than you are of it. Mental preparation is key.
2. Push the floating desk AWAY from the seat of the chair so that you have access to and can easily see the bottom. I cannot stress enough how crucial this step is.
3. Now, you are ready to attempt sitting in the chair. Holding the floating desk in place, CAREFULLY lower yourself down until you feel yourself securely held by the chair. If you are successfully sitting down, you are free to move the desk comfortably and even access the cup holder to store trash in the classes you don’t like.
4. Remember, this is a process. If the chair rolls away from you, don’t give up! Even if you have a bruised tailbone, someday the chair will not win.

 

How to Walk in the Hallways:
1. It’s probably best to start with your right foot. Carefully lift the foot off the ground. Remember, a few inches should suffice.
2. Now, slowly place your right foot in front of you, about the length of a ruler. Tap the heel down first with the toe of your foot quickly following.
3. Repeat step two but with your left foot. Carefully following this formula should protect you against any avoidable accidents.
4. Once you get really good, you can even try balancing on one foot while you use the other to kick that one girl on the wrong side of the hallway. STAY ON THE RIGHT SIDE OF THE [expletive] HALLWAY.

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1 Comment

One Response to “Pres Helps: How to Do Things”

  1. Alison White on September 1st, 2017 4:22 pm

    YES!!! The Satire lives on

    [Reply]

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Pres Helps: How to Do Things