Globe Collectively Makes List of New Year’s Resolutions after Voraciously Awful 2016

Anna Roth

Satire.

  1. To stop making “milk” out of various nuts. (We drew the line at cashew milk).
  2. To cease making #the____challenge videos online. (Dear #mannequinchallenge, the word “challenge” is a little strong to describe literally sitting for 30 seconds).
  3. To genuinely respect the memory of our sweet prince, Harambe. Rest in peace.
  4. To stop watching those sped-up cooking videos on facebook. (Face it, you’re never going to make buffalo chicken bacon pizza pull apart bread, but it’s a nice thought).
  5. To force Seth Rogen to make at least nine movies a year starring either Margot Robbie or a Hemsworth in order to bring joy to all. 
  6. No clowns anymore, just none. We all agree from here on out that there are just no clowns.
  7. For the sad tumblr teens to stop caring about their aesthetic feed more than they care about the inevitable economic bubble bound to pop and absolutely decimate their future investments. (How much will that pastel picture of a neon street sign matter when you’re eating dollar store knock off lucky charms?).
  8. To make an international law that states: if you’re an awful person, your punishment is to listen to Jacob Sartorius’ hit single Sweatshirt in a loop until you show remorse.
  9. FOR EVERYONE IN EVERY PLACE TO GET WOKE AND REALIZE THAT THE BEES ARE DYING AT AN ALARMING RATE WORLDWIDE. (There’s a documentary you can use to educate people who don’t know called The Bee Movie, we highly recommend it).
  10. To dedicate all of science’s effort to keeping Justin Trudeau, Ruth Bader Ginsberg, and Joe Biden alive until the sun expires.